Twin Flames and Soul Mates - a fundamental dynamic

by Sally Gould

We know that everything in the universe emits a frequency, including people. We also know the saying, Opposites attract. While Twin Flames and soul mates may have similar values, beliefs or interests, they emit opposing frequencies. Twin Flames, being the energetic masculine and feminine of the one soul, emit perfectly opposite frequencies.

Before looking at what this means for our intimitate relationships, we need to understand our fundamental need as human beings to feel safe and unconditionally loved.

Our need to feel safe and unconditionally loved

When we are in the womb of our mother, most of us feel safe and unconditionally loved. As children, we expect our parents to keep us safe and love us unconditionally. As adults we have the same expectation of our partner.

Our need to feel safe and loved drives our behaviour on many different levels. We seek to control our environment and we seek belonging. Belonging in relationships, families, organisations, groups, countries and so on. On the other side of the need to feel safe and the need to be loved are two psychological fears. They are:

     1. a fear of not being in control; and

     2. a fear of being rejected.

These two fears create a push-pull dynamic within us. About half of us are driven by one of those fears and the other half by the other fear. Understanding these fears within ourself and within our partner is valuable to help create a harmonious relationship.

Fear of not being in Control

A person who is driven by the fear of not being in control, will often be controlling, attention seeking and will like to test or challenge authority. When a person driven by the fear of not being in control doesn't like a situation or person, their response will be withdrawal from the situation or person.

General examples of being driven by this fear are:

     1. withdrawing to avoid being controlled;

     2. indulging in attention seeking behaviour;

     3. using silence when there is a conflict; and

     4. trying to control all the details of a situation.

Fear of being Rejected

A person driven by a fear of rejection, will often be 'good', do what is expected and go along with their partner. Their priority will be to make their partner and others happy. When a person driven by the fear of rejection doesn't like a situation, their response will be to reach out to their partner or others.

General examples of being driven by this fear are:

     1. reaching out to avoid a disagreement;

     2. refraining from expressing one's own wishes and going along with the wishes of others; and

     3. compromising one's values rather than offending someone.

Such a person will try to please their partner and put their partner's needs above their own. In an extreme case, such a person will compromise their values for their partner.

Our Twin Flame or Soul Mate

You'll notice that your partner is driven by the opposite fear to you.

When the honeymoon period in a relationship ends, it can be difficult to see where your partner is coming from, because you need different things to feel safe. One of you has a driving need to control and the other has a driving need to belong. Understanding your partner's way of feeling safe and loved is helpful to create a harmonious relationship. Seeing when, and understanding why, your partner is either withdrawing or reaching out is the first step.

Remaining Neutral

The key to harmony is to remain neutral. To not react. That is, to not withdraw and to not reach out. To feel your inner response to the situation, to observe your desire to withdraw or reach out, but to do neither.

Ideally, both partners work on this together. Respecting each other's way of feeling safe and knowing that it's a process that will take time is essential.

Even where one partner commits to remaining neutral, instead of withdrawing or reaching out, you will find the need for the other partner to withdraw or reach out will diminish. Greater harmony in the relationship will follow.

None of the above diminishes the importance of articulating your feelings, speaking your truth and being in your own power.

Practical Steps to Remain Neutral

     1. An event occurs that triggers a feeling of discomfort.

     2. Observe where you feel the discomfort in your body and breathe.

     3. Observe your desire to withdraw or to reach out. You'll feel this as energy that is pulling back or pushing forward.

     4. Acknowledge that behaviour isn't serving you in the long term.

     5. Commit to remain in neutral. That is to stay still inside and to neither withdraw nor reach out, so your energy remains with you.

     6. Articulate your feelings, so you don't suppress, however ensure your energy has neither pulled back nor pushed forward.  

The Deeper Fear

Identifying the fear that drives us is usually straight forward, but it's much more difficult to observe our deeper fear. The deeper fear is the other fear, so if we are driven by our fear of not being in control, then our deeper fear is the fear of rejection. This deeper fear shows us our greatest vulnerability.

Observing this deeper fear in our self as well as our partner leads to greater self-awareness. As a consequence, there will be greater understanding and harmony with our partner.


This dynamic of the fear that drives us and our deeper fear will also apply to others in our lives, such as family members and friends. Understanding this dynamic is enormously helpful in all of our close relationships, but particularly important for twin flame and soul mate relationships.