Transforming our Subconscious Programming

by Sally Gould

Why are intimate relationships harmonious (maybe even blissful) for the first few years (sometimes less) and then we begin to notice all the annoying habits and unattractive qualities of our partner?

Once we feel comfortable with our partner, we relax and our subconscious programming takes over. You know when you blurt out something and realise you sound exactly like your mother or father or perhaps your behaviour reverts to an automatic family behaviour. Sometimes this won't cause tension or conflict in a relationship, but sometimes it will.

What is our subconscious programming?

Our subconscious programming primarily occurs between our time in the womb to age of seven. We absorb our parents' strong emotions (eg joy or anxiety) and beliefs (we're so fortunate to have this baby or there's never enough money). This happens because young children are mostly in a theta brainwave state. That is, the same receptive state adults are in just before they fall asleep and when they first wake.

At this age children observe, listen and mimic their parents' speech and behaviours. It is all stored in their subconscious minds. And the subconscious mind is, according to Bruce Lipton, a million times more powerful than the conscious mind.

Picture this . . .

Cate and Dan meet one weekend while abseiling. They both love remote rocky places and the adrenal rush of descending a sheer cliff face without dying. They fall in love and their non-abseiling families declare it's a match made in heaven. After living together for over a year, they marry and relax. Relax into their subconscious programming . . .

Their childhoods

Cate grew up in a family where often she had to do without things other children had. She missed out on many school excursions and only enjoyed two family holidays during her childhood. She took on her parents' beliefs that There's never enough money and You have to work hard and save your money for the bad times ahead.

Her father's childhood had been tougher and his idea of keeping her safe and ensuring she succeeded in the hostile outside world was to constantly criticise her so she'd do better. She grew up believing that I'm not good enough and at times, I'm not loved. She became an overachiever.

Dan's childhood was very different. There was always enough money, because his father's family was extremely wealthy and his father continued the success of the family business. And it was Dan's father who instilled within him the belief Life is about adventure!

Unlike his father, Dan never felt close to his mother. She rarely watched him play sport on the weekends and almost never involved herself in his school life. She was always busy working.

Then two days before his eleventh birthday, he heard his parents yelling at each other and his father walked out and didn't return. Still his father provided for both he and his mother in the manner in which they'd become accustomed. Years later he learnt that his mother had suffered through his father having one affair after another and Dan suspected that was why she had worked so hard, because she might need to support herself one day. Knowing this didn't heal his deep feelings of abandonment.

Unknown to him, before he was born his mother was ill and there were fears for his health too. His mother was isolated in hospital after his birth and for the following two weeks he barely experienced human touch. Deep down his greatest fear was of being abandoned and he found it difficult to fully trust others.

Back to the story . . .

Knowing that their marriage wasn't as harmonious as it had been, Dan arranged a special surprise for Cate. As he entered their apartment with the envelope in his hand, he felt his heart rate quicken with excitement. She was already home and wearing an evening dress!

He blurted out, "Aren't you over-dressed? The restaurant is casual."

"I have to rush back to work," said Cate as she put on her high-heeled shoes. "We're taking a new client out. I helped to bring them in and I have to be there. It's a big deal. And only one week before the bonuses are decided.

"It's the first Friday of the month. We always go out with . . ." Dan froze as childhood memories of being the only kid whose mother wasn't watching him play football came flooding back. Then he noticed the envelope in his hand and knew Cate would see sense when she knew about his surprise. He smiled, handed her the envelope and said, "I've got a surprise for you!"

Cate opened it and saw two plane tickets to Cape Town. She stared at them blankly and wondered if Dan had lost his mind. Why would she want to go to South Africa? She dropped them on the bed.

"Table Mountain!" Dan threw up his hands. "Probably the most scenic place in the world to abseil."

Repeating one of her mother's favourite sayings, she said, "We have to save and secure our future." She glared at him to reinforce the point.

"Life is about adventure," said Dan mimicking his father.

"I can't afford adventure now; I have to focus on my career." Cate picked up her handbag.

Dan blocked her way. "You agreed our marriage would always come first. Did you lie to me?"

Lie! In that moment, her husband represented all the years of her father's criticism. She felt her body turn hot. Without saying a word, she found another bag and put some personal things inside.

"What are you doing?"

"I'll stay somewhere else tonight." She slammed the front door as she left.

Dan picked up the plane tickets and sunk on to the bed consumed by feelings of betrayal and abandonment. All reinforcing his deeply held belief that he couldn't trust anyone.

Understanding our own and our partner's subconsious programs

Cate and Dan's argument reveals why it's important to understand our own and our partner's subconscious programs. We need to understand our partner's childhood and their relationship with their parents so we can be sensitive to their feelings and beliefs. We also need to understand our own childhood and our own subconscious programming.

If possible, this includes the circumstances of our birth and the well being of our parents while we were in the womb. Anxiety and unhelpful beliefs can be taken on by the baby. For example, the belief there's never enough money because the parents were struggling financially. Or I'm not good enough because a parent wanted a baby boy and is disappointed when they discover they're having a girl.

The subconscious programs that most often cause problems for couples relate to:

     1. self worth;

     2. abandonment;

     3. lack of trust; and

     4. money.

Loving ourselves

Bruce Lipton in his excellent book, "The Honeymoon Effect" emphasises that first we all need to feel and believe, I am loved, in order to create a harmonious, loving relationship.

Reprogramming using the conscious mind

Reprogramming using our conscious mind requires diligence, but is possible:

Here are five steps to reprogram a limiting belief:

     1. Notice the limiting belief the moment it arises. For example, I'm not good enough to . . .

     2. Pause and breathe.

     3. Mentally substitute the limiting belief with a new empowering belief. For example, I can do this; I deserve that.

     4. Repeat this until the empowering belief has transplanted the old belief.

     5. The new belief can also be reinforced when we're in the theta brainwave state.

Reprogramming using Quantum Healing Hypnosis Technique (QHHT)

QHHT can be used to transform a limiting belief into an empowering belief. This is done by accessing the client's Higher Self. While in a trance, the client is in a theta brain wave state so the release of the limiting belief and the substituion of an empowering belief occurs easily. QHHT enables fears and limiting beliefs that have been taken on in childhood, while in the womb or in a past life to be transformed.


Awareness of our own subconscious programming is the first step to transformation and improving our closest relationships. When we transform our inner world, our relationships and our life will transform.